I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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