I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
