Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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