LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
