i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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