Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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