So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
