i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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