My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
