They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
