He asked to "fluff my boner.."
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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