did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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