I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
