where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just found puke in my bra..
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
