I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
