I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i think my cat just said my name.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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