I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
