the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
