Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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