How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
