How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
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Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
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Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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