Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
don't judge my taste in strippers
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
