Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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