I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
