seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Never underestimate the power of titties
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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