i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
