hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
