Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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