It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
