Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
