remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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