His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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