im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
