Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
