just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
