Im at strip club and am horny
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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