Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
