My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
