I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
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No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
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i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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