i would punch a child for taco bell
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
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Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
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Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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