...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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