You're a womanizer and a bitch.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
