so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
