Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
