when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
