There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
