I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
