Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
