Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
