Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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