It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
