I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
