I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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