He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
