i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
