i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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