Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
