I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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