No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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