No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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