shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
